Sunday, April 3, 2011

Bear with Me

So things are getting interesting. Namely, I'm on the brink. The most direct story is: I am changing my life.

I've never really dealt with anything, never confronted my demons, never sat through the pain of something. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's my generation of ADDers, or maybe it's my culture of onward and upward (as quickly as possible), or maybe it's something else. Or maybe it's all of it all crammed into the same messy package. Whatever, it's not important.

During my life, whenever I've fallen on hard times, I've usually skirted the issues. I mean, the real issues.

I've quit hobbies and activities and challenges and jobs and projects whenever I encounter an obstacle. I walk away from people instead of dealing with the hurt, or the real intimacy. I switch schools. I move away. I cut things out of my life like a trim of fat from a steak. And it leaves jagged edges, and it bleeds, but I generally ignore such trauma and fill my focus with something else, but equal to what I just left behind.

So it's happened that in this place, the place that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life (both geographically and emotionally speaking) that all this dusty, spooky shit from my past, is seriously blasting and bubbling out in every direction. Like a fireworks display that's out of control: they zip up and down and left and right and straight into that pile of dry leaves and, you get it...

So I've realized that I must finally sit still (like an adult and everything), and deal with my self.

And it's happening because the timing is right. I'm on a tiny island, in the middle of the world, my obligations are slight and effortless, my safety net is secure and tender...

My mind is relaxed and, let's face it, bored enough, to finally decide it's time to drag out the old boxes of photos and relive each joyful, beautiful, lonely, hateful, depressed, tear-jerking moment of it all.


I promise I'm not losing my mind. Or maybe I am. But whatever. This is happening. And while I know some things are better left alone (and just move on with your life, why don't cha'?), I'm sorry, but I'll be knocking down all these comfortable spider webs and seriously cleaning house.

"First you decide what you've got to do, and then you go out and do it. And maybe the most that we can do, is just to see each other through it."