Meditations on Madness

I feel myself going a little bit crazy lately. A lot is happening and I've been letting my heart be sloppy and sappy and losing pieces all over the place, like shiny little trails left behind by slugs.

Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Life will never be perfect. I am a work in progress and that is a blessing.

That being said, I have allowed myself to be so let down and disappointed and hurt by things and people that I can't control and mopey and sad about things that don't even deserve my energy or attention.

So with that being said, I need to find my center again.

I have lost and found myself so many times that I sometimes wonder if I used to be an illusionist in a former life or something. An invisible woman. An escape artist. A woman with a thousand masks.

One can always find some sort of dissatisfaction in life to pick away at absentmindedly and wait for it to fester into something large and powerful. But I really don't have anything in my life that I should be dissatisfied with. Not really even one little thing.

I am surrounded by blessings and amazing people (even people who are not right here with me). My focus has shifted, however, away from this brilliant light and off into the distance where things are unknown.

Bottom line is I'm happy. I live in an incredible place. I am in love with a wonderful man. I have so many opportunities to meet incredible people from all over the world. I love my job. I have people around me who are concerned for my happiness and well-being.

What else do I need?

So I begin to scrape off the muck that I allowed to settle everywhere, to do some spring cleaning. Get rid of a few things, open the windows and let the fresh air sweep away the staleness. Polish the glass so that I can more clearly see what it really is that I'm looking at. So that I won't keep losing the sun, even when there's just a few clouds in the way.

Bear with Me

So things are getting interesting. Namely, I'm on the brink. The most direct story is: I am changing my life.

I've never really dealt with anything, never confronted my demons, never sat through the pain of something. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's my generation of ADDers, or maybe it's my culture of onward and upward (as quickly as possible), or maybe it's something else. Or maybe it's all of it all crammed into the same messy package. Whatever, it's not important.

During my life, whenever I've fallen on hard times, I've usually skirted the issues. I mean, the real issues.

I've quit hobbies and activities and challenges and jobs and projects whenever I encounter an obstacle. I walk away from people instead of dealing with the hurt, or the real intimacy. I switch schools. I move away. I cut things out of my life like a trim of fat from a steak. And it leaves jagged edges, and it bleeds, but I generally ignore such trauma and fill my focus with something else, but equal to what I just left behind.

So it's happened that in this place, the place that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life (both geographically and emotionally speaking) that all this dusty, spooky shit from my past, is seriously blasting and bubbling out in every direction. Like a fireworks display that's out of control: they zip up and down and left and right and straight into that pile of dry leaves and, you get it...

So I've realized that I must finally sit still (like an adult and everything), and deal with my self.

And it's happening because the timing is right. I'm on a tiny island, in the middle of the world, my obligations are slight and effortless, my safety net is secure and tender...

My mind is relaxed and, let's face it, bored enough, to finally decide it's time to drag out the old boxes of photos and relive each joyful, beautiful, lonely, hateful, depressed, tear-jerking moment of it all.

(sigh).

I promise I'm not losing my mind. Or maybe I am. But whatever. This is happening. And while I know some things are better left alone (and just move on with your life, why don't cha'?), I'm sorry, but I'll be knocking down all these comfortable spider webs and seriously cleaning house.

"First you decide what you've got to do, and then you go out and do it. And maybe the most that we can do, is just to see each other through it."